This man in the moon will move oceans, if only you ask. Tides turn. Relationships come and go. I am lost in a sea of darkness. You keep me afloat. Love by any other name would be hate and hate by any other name is lost love. You are leaving me. Our love is waning, once so bright begins to fade. I cover my face and drift into the shadow of my grief, half the man I was. Something beautiful became so hideous eyes could not view it for becoming blind. I am a new man, a new moon, a clean slate ready to become enlightened by your wisdom and presence. Look at me! I yell towards the oblivion. Thorough blind eyes you see. My mourning stops as your morning begins. I forget the past starting the cycle again.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Lunar?
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3 comments:
Jax, this draft is so cool. Just one thought, about the LOOK AT ME!!! line: I'm not sure the all caps and extra exclamation points are what you need in that moment. Perhaps simplicity may be best, like, Look at me! I yell ... or reverse the sentence structure so that you can end with "Look at me!"
You're doing so well, with this astronomy, star-gazing at the midnight in your heart. Bravo!
This is so great! Congratulations, Sean. I hope you're really happy with this draft. It sings.
This is beautifully done, Sean. It takes the narrator out of our normal space, and seats us on this thing, spinning around the object of desire, hidden by the very thing it resides on. I love the perspective, the feeling of quiet strength. Great.
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